Interview with Jesus Martinez – aka Drunken Stepfather

Christobal, for all his good intentions, is a bit of a cunt. He works really hard to alienate his friends and disregard their feelings. That all being said, Pants was completely shocked when he hooked up this great interview with Drunken Stepfather for www.nakashon.com out of nowhere. As young college students with short attention spans and a lust for life, we discovered Mr. Martinez's work to great relief. Like our boy Handsome Boy Shipping, Martinez tosses two fingers at the moral majority and tells it like it really is… for example the other day he put up some pics of Lohan and wrote "Here are some pictures of Lohan showing us all how she is a broken down teenager with major fucking issues." True story, excellent summation, we are still sold on your brilliance. Boobs and witty commentary will never go out of style.  

Well, since that intro was basically a waste of time, you should just read the interview now.

What inspires you?  

The hate mail fueled me for a while, I couldn't understand why people took themselves so serious and I thought it was funny to keep going and pissing those same people off day after day. People thought my site was smut and still do, I am convinced it is because they are taught to think that way; meanwhile they still jerk off to porn or to their neighbor's daughter sun tanning on the porch, have sex and laugh at the fat girl in their class. They are quick to discount what I do and send in hate mail telling me how sick I am, meanwhile they are the same people who inspire the shit I see and write about. 

Then I got fired from my job that was pretty shit pay, but still needed to feed the family, and figured that if all these other assholes are making money on the internet I could too. 

In trying to do this, I realized that the haters weren't the only ignorant mother fucker's out there. I needed traffic, so I'd email websites trying to trade links and they would tell me I was too hardcore for them. I'd email porn companies and they'd tell me I wasn't hardcore enough, I'd email advertisers and they'd never email me back and if they did, they'd tell me that they couldn't associate their brand with me. I still get those emails every fucking day, so it is a constant struggle. This shit hasn't been easy and has made me experience all kinds of up and all kinds of downs I never thought I would. 

Now,  I am on a quest to get the world to stop being such fucking hypocrites because I know the motherfucking ad executive who refuses to advertise on my site wears women's panties and likes to sneak around with the photocopy boy while his wife is at home fucking the pool boy. The world is a fucked up place and just because I talk about it openly and honestly from my perspective, shouldn't make it too racy to  appreciate. I realize that what I say is one person's perspective and I am not this self-righteous asshole that thinks what I say is the gospel that people should live by, but I do know that people are scared to change things and take risks, so I guess the idea of breaking through and making it with what I have been told is a piece of shit site that is also my life's work is my fuel because I really have no other choice...

I guess I could start something mainstream, the celeb blog format is a joke, all you have to do is post pictures and google news the celeb in the pics and post the latest store,  but this site is the only format I know how to write and I am not going to change shit about it, but I am hoping that other people will stop taking themselves so seriously and read what I write and have a good fucking laugh about it. I have seen worse shit on TV and in movies that are run by MAJOR companies and make MAJOR money. I guess what it comes down to is that Corporate America are suburban assholes that control what YOU read and see and there is no room in it for people like me, but strength is in numbers and the more readers I have, the more stories people send in and the more money the site makes, the more fun we can all have because who really gives a fuck about corporate america anyway....if I did I'd be an accountant or some shit. 

Should a man ever admit to taking a bath?

Why the fuck not, is taking a bath considered Gay? Is it because girls like to soak with all their lady products and shit...I also thought taking a bath was a man's sport, because that's how cowboys and fags do it and what's more manly than cowboys that fuck each other up the ass...Either way,  I usually admit to taking baths because whenever my house stinks I get the finger pointed at me cuz I don't always wash, so I think taking a bath is something to be proud of, it takes a lot of effort...

How did drunken stepfather start?

I was reading a blog that was written by Joe Rogan's idiot camera man. He was mexican also, and was writing about drinking some product called "Pepsi Spice" for 3 months building up to christmas. Dude had shitty video cuz this was 2004, of him pissing out red shit and he'd have weigh-ins and stories of how he thought he was going to die and how his girlfriend the vet left him because of his stupid experiment. Anyway, I got a kick out of it, sent it to a friend of mine, and he sent back a link to a blog he had just started about 4 minutes later. I had no idea it was that easy to set up blogspot and since I was a drunk and a stepfather it all came together quickly.  I had and still have piles of notebooks lying around. I just liked writing about shit I saw and thought that it would be funny to take it to the internet, so the idea of people reading my shit and finding it funny was pretty awesome. It was all about having some kind of legacy to leave behind after I died. I wanted to have contact and communicate with more people than I ever could sitting on the park bench here. I also wanted to prove to my friend that my site would be bigger than his. I think it took about a week before that happened and he dropped off the map and I am still doing it....every fucking day....I've written a hell of a lot of posts since....

Has a celebrity ever attacked your credibility? 

I am pretty convinced that my site isnt big enough to have been read by celebrities. I had Paris Hilton's number and have called her and "talked" to her before. The conversation ended with her telling me she'd call the cops then she blocked my number. I did tell her the website name but I am sure that that bitch hasn't even checked it out. 

I also accidentally hung out with Nicole Richie one night and told her my website and sent her a few text messages and shit that can be found in my stepSTALKER section of the site, but I can also guarantee that she  hasn't checked it out either. Celebrities may be really self absorbed and shit and some of them google themselves, but they don't bother with sites like mine, at least I am pretty sure they don't.  I do want a celebrity to attack my credibility. It would be amazing content because I really don't have any credibility. Either way.  I don't really care if they read what I write or not...I just write it and don't really think about the outcome...

What story, out of all those you have put on the site, did you find the most humorous? 

There are so many fucked up things I have written, but I have no fucking memory of most. I don't ever re-visit a post, that's why they have typos and false info and shit. It comes to me, I put it out there. I have accidentally stumbled on some of my posts and they've made me laugh, but when I am writing them, I don't really find them all that funny, I just want to get them up on the site. 

Some of the highlights of doing this was being offered to write a Vince Vaughn movie, I felt like a hero for a day because he said it would pay over 100,000 dollars and I have never had more than 100 dollars to my name. The dude told me to read some book called the Underminer and that he loved my style and we'd set something up in 3 days to go over it. So me being the idiot I am, bought the fucking book and read it overnight. I don't fucking read so it took me fucking hours to get through and when I followed up he told me it would be a bad idea to work together. I guess that's kinda funny. It's like dude played a practical joke on me or something and I fell for it. That was in 2005 and I think some of the shit I have experienced outside the site have been a lot funnier than that story, but it was the first to come to mind...

Who is your favorite NBA player?

I don't watch sports, but I'll say the black one.

Who is your least favorite rapper?  

I don't listen to rap, but I'll say the black one.

What is your favorite beer?

Bad question dude, I drink anything with alcohol in it. I have no favorites as long as it gets me drunk. 

What is your favorite beverage?

Anything that gets me drunk I'd even drink rubbing alcohol to have a good fucking time, except it makes you go blind, but that doesn't mean I've never done it.. ..

Which author (dead or alive) is best suited to writing you life story? 

I figure I am the best suited person to write my story, even though I can barely write...but obviously having a kid with downs syndrome or autism would make it a lot more interesting. If I had more knowledge of books, I'd say something like Hunter S. Thompson or something cliche like that. I figure that's what's the hipsters would want to hear....Maybe Danielle Steele could do it and get housewives craving my dick around the world while hiring Fabio be my cover model. There's too many options and I can tell you it will never be an issue, my life story will never be written because no publisher would pay for it, no one would read it and between you and me it's not that interesting. I sit a lot. 

Have you ever been caught having a sly wank? 

I don't know what that means but I assume it means getting caught jerking off, sorry I don't speak Frat Boy. I can't get hard anymore so I don't jerk off, but I did once jerk off like you, and I would never do it sly. I always wanted to get caught.

Who has the best boobs in the world? 

I like all kinds of boobs - I don't have a rating scale of who has the best tits.  I don't do top 100 lists of chicks, all that shit is massively lame to me. I just like any girl willing to get naked for me. I feel like it is a charitable donation or some shit. I only judge bitches who put themselves out there to be judged like celebs, strippers and sluts...people accuse me of hating women, reality is, I kinda have a thing for them and fall in love every time I leave my house.

Charcoal or gas grill? 

I prefer fires in oil drums or bonfires in empty fields, it brings back good memories. But I'll go with Charcoal because it adds flavor and I am all about flavor at least that's what I used to tell girls on their rag when I'd try to go down on them and they wouldn't let me.

What does the future hold? 

In a fantasy world - a movie deal, a successful site, lots of readers that will allow me to go out there and have a good fucking time to report back to....In reality I will probably shut down the site when the servers cut me off or when I get sued and can't afford to fight it, then I will sit on the couch with my annoying wife or in the park with my dull friends. I will get a shitty job at a factory for the next 25 years and then die without a penny to my name and no one will even remember a site called DrunkenStepfather.com or Jesus Martinez and the possible legacy I once wanted will die along with me. I'll probably still be in this apartment living with my fat wife who will be fatter, I will watch my stepdaughters marry loser husbands and I'll become a step-grandfather and  you know what, it's not as bad as I used to think it was or as bad as it sounds. It's just my life and being alive is a pretty good fucking thing....especially while drunk.

Can you do a handstand?

I can barely walk up the stairs to the entrance of my building, but I am amazing at handstands, but only when I am wearing a fucking leotard. You like that don't you, homo.