Aug 28, 2007
Today Pants bought a pair of shoes solely because he was offered
free socks. He was in
On the other hand,
Life does move on though. On Thursday Pants hopes to strike a new existence in the first state and step towards being completely unemployable. How? That is a fucking secret. Just know it is part of a master plan. Be gone sadness, a new leaf is turning.
With this new leaf, Pants will strive to be a better man. A man of action not just word. This will begin by mounting a vicious campaign against Cristobal, whose character, and also his dedication, has come into question. Not since Cristobal swooped in under Pants to make out with a young lady in the freshman dorms has Pants been so upset with the Samoan. In the end Pants got the girl, and also her unforeseen insanity (even when he wins he loses). At that moment, Pants realized he is far superior to Cristobal. Watch out Big Toe, the world is going to crash on you. Pants has plans, evil plans. And, as he strives to make himself unemployable by choice, he will also make Cristobal unemployable by devilish deed.
July 8, 2007
This past weekend found Pants in New England. There he attended an antique show, visited a historic site, and met with an aspiring rapper. The antique show was populated by the type of people that think they rule the world because their trousers are a particularly bright pastel. Their smugness and the way they attack a raw bar is somewhat disheartening, but they know how to host a party and are always just shy of generous with the chardonnay. Pants was upset that there was no non-alcoholic beer on the premises, and settled for water that may or may not have been scooped from the cooler. Highlights from the show included some tattoo flash from 1910 and a dressed up work bench.
The historic site employed the worst introductory video Pants has ever viewed. At no point was the physical site ever discussed, or the actual goings on of the place, in this case the nations first law school. Instead, the video focused on a group of would-be "esquires" traveling from Hartford to Litchfield on a stage coach. The coach looses a wheel, and the party must retire for a spell at a local tavern. There the four men engage in a heated debate about common law, federalist politics and slavery. Then, hoping to score some trim, the men invite the two Georgia peaches, who are also on the way to Litchfield, to join the table. One Southern Gentleman is gently dissed, the older Georgia peach quick to dispel any belief that all southerners love slaves. The younger peach spends most of the type looking mildly dyslexic and batting her eyes at a man from New York. Everyone is well bred, except for one youngster, who apparently has come from nothing to rise under the tutelage of a judge. Moral: In America, everything was and is possible. Pants thought this video was complete shit, and after loosing 13 minutes of his life, felt as if he had learned very little about what actually went on in history.
The aspiring rapper spoke with a soft tone and then, surprisingly, rapped much like Ill Bill. Pants and Rob of weekly drop discussed how the man should move forward and become a star. Step one, get a myspace page. The rapper had no access to a computer. Hmmm... how to proceed. The conversation then went as follows:
Rob: Do you have friends that are not junkies?
Rapper: No.
Rob: That's a problem. You will need to make some.
Rapper: It's hard.
Rob: Yeah... Have you kissed a girl in 2007?
Rapper: I have done lots of freaky sexual shit with girls in 2007.
Rob: One of them must have a computer.
Apparently one of them does, and Rob and Pants described to the rapper how to get things moving once online.
Following that Pants ate a burrito and then watched television alone.
June 16, 2007
Today Pants bought a case of non-alcoholic beers for $8.99 and won an online caption contest. Things are looking up! Yesterday a stranger walked into a meeting Pants was attending. She had flat face, but was equipped with an ample bosom. Pants stared, felt a touch awkward, and then resumed staring. Again, things are looking up! Despite a number of set backs and some crippling rejection, things are starting to bubble for Pants.
What type of things? Opportunities, and then, a few more opportunities. These generally allow Pants to explore America. You may recall that he has been to Memphis, seen great tits in Little Rock and graced the streets of New York in recent weeks. Nashville is next. Close and personal friend A. Skills has been selected as a contestant in major battle of the Bands contest. Much respect! He will be performing at the Gibson Showcase in Mid-July, and Pants will be damned to miss it. Gritz and Pants are also weighing the possibility of attending one or many low level international sporting events this summer. One is the u-20 World Cup. Typically, England has failed to reach the final stages of this competition, so the boys will be forced to cheer for the stars and stripes. All is not lost, they will get to meet French Canadians in the process.
This prompts a good story (well, a story) about French Canadians. Once, in that epicenter of street entertainment that is Covent Garden, Gritz was selected to perform a great stunt. This involved Gritz, a French Canadian, a wizard, and a cream pie. Gritz was asked to throw the cream pie towards the French Canadian, and if the trick was to go to plan, the wizard would block the pie and save the eh-hole. What the Wizard had not taken to account was Gritz's years of training on the tee-ball diamond as a member of the High Wheelers. The pie smacked the French Canadian firmly in the jaw, the crowd roared. The legend of Gritz was born.
That legend is one of the best things at the moment. It is growing by the day. Pants has never been more proud of Gritz. The young man has not only shined on the pages of nakashon, but some little site called CNN as well. So awesome. Big things Gritz, big things! Additionally, Pants's goal of helping his man TWISE become famous seems to be closing in on success. Recently Mr. Wise has released a banging track that will be featured in a (local) commercial. He is also tearing it up on stage, spreading the community league name and building a new rep with the ladies. Big things Wise, big things!
Most importantly in the things are up story, ceiling fans are up at 1308. This makes the house both cool and more economical. They were installed last Saturday by a really musty smelling gentleman who weighed 350+ pounds and shared his thoughts on Philly style and womens butts with Pants and Jed. "No men should ever wear capris." True story, Raphael Nadal can score all the top flight St. Tropez totti he wants, but he is still a prick. On Serena Williams' fine physique the electrician offered this gem, "It was as if somebody sketched it." What is the world coming to? Sketch? There was a time a man would give homage to the great sculptors of yester-year, but now any ass with a pad and pen gets respect. Pants decided that while this was certainly an issue, he couldn't be upset with the statement, Serena's bum is lovely.
May 18, 2007
How's your life? For Pants it is a bit slow. He is living part time in Philadelphia in the hopes that one of these ladies will give him the time of day. A few days ago at the ice cream shop, one said "Hey Yous," He was quite convinced she said "Hey Jews." Alas, there was none of that kind of racial humor. She did have massive hooters though, but also the kind of face that says, "I have lived, in my 19 years, a long an arduous life."
Pants has not kissed a lady for time. It has gotten so bad that he responded to his roommate Jed's joking request to hold hands last night by saying, "I am thinking about saying yes, but only because I am so lonely." Jed thought this rational was hilarious. Then they discussed the last time Pants got drunk, and briefly celebrated his now 10 month stand for sobriety by toasting some sparkling water dressed up with a twist of lime and the petals of a rose from the back garden.
The remainder of the week should be huge. Pants will conduct the long overdue interview with Notorious MSG and work as a celebrity judge at the New York Tattoo Convention. All in all, despite having to actually be in New York, both activities should be awesome. He will also take Chris to J.G. Melons for a burger and to discuss the future of nakashon.com. Chris thinks he is getting a free lunch, but he is fucking wrong. Pants is still salty at Chris for the time he edged in on this broad freshman year. Though Pants did get the last laugh... the girl told him that "you are much more handsome than Chris," and showed him her spectacular knockers... he still doesn't always trust Chris. Gina where are you? I used to love you.
May 9, 2007
Pants ain't no gregarious type dude. In fact, he is not really that "welcoming." This was abundantly clear last Friday night at the www.nakashon.com party. Pants, and others related to the site had a great time, don't get it twisted, but there was not a whole bunch of mingling outside the crew.
The idea of looking "welcoming," came out of a conversation Pants had with his man Chef. Chef also believes that he is not an approachable guy. The genesis of this exchange was a brief interaction with a rather large (in height, not girth) lady, who said to Pants, in a husky and aggressive tone, "Where have I met you before." "We met at the Chef's," Pants said, matter of fact. "No." The girl was convinced she had never met Pants and walked away. Hmmm... Though the two had clearly met before, Pants's generally negative demeanor had left only a fleeting memory. Anyone who has seen Fear of a Black Hat knows that some motherfuckers are predisposed to smiling and shit. Pants is assuredly not one of those people. Another example: During all-star weekend, Pants and Gritz were approached by a gaggle of hookers at PURE. One expressed to Pants that he appeared depressed (in all fairness, he was), and claimed she would "Do anything to make him happy." Sadly, the $36 in Pants's pockets were not enough for this statement to come full circle. But the seed was laid. Even prostitutes think Pants is a downer and they sleep with people for money. How great can their lives be, really?
Pants knows he should probably try being more outgoing. However, at the end of the day, why? He has established in part one of this "World" that most people are shit. And that he is "low." All this might lead you (the reader) to believe that Pants is a hopeless looser with no friends. Partly true. However, he has probably talked with and befriended more interesting people than you (the reader) have in the last two months. A short list of people that Pants has exchanged brief pleasantries with recently includes General Wesley Clark, Gilbert Arenas, Bun B, Mr. Cartoon and Ben Baller. He has also met a few interesting characters who he now considers friends.
One example of the above statement:
Friday afternoon was awesome. Pants's visited Clayton Patterson (Google him), who is a sculptor, organizer, photographer and man of very interesting world view. At Clayton's gallery Pants was told the lower east side has become a "desert," and "worse than a suburb." Pants finds this point of view fascinating, as it is close to his feelings about New York. The idea that Mayor Bloomberg is like "Pol Pot" is a touch strong, but it is certainly true that many creative minds have been driven out of the city. Clayton says they move to Berlin. He also says Pants can head a huge section of a book about tattooing in New York. In two weeks Pants will judge two days of the NY tattoo convention... should be interesting.
While at Clayton's, Pants also met a historian named Eddie who is an expert on Jewish professional wrestling and Jewish comic book artists. Clayton says that one day Eddie and Pants will be recognized for knowing interesting things. Hope so. Pants left the studio energized, having also learned interesting tid bits about Jewish food ways through time, the NY sex trade and the still vibrant squatting communities that most people don't even know exist. Things like this only happen when one visits a radical who has been arrested 20s of times and also appeared on Oprah.
Where does this leave Pants? Well, it is clear that he is capable of meeting and enjoying the company of people considered "weird" by people firmly ensconced in the status quo. On the flip side, those who uphold the "values" of mainstream America are becoming less and less interesting. Pants had lunch with one of these the other day. Over a pizza he learned that this bloke (a friend from middle school) had bought a BMW and was screwing a girl that was 32, but "has the body of an 18-year old." Bravo sir! You are basically the same as everyone else in you socio-economic class and will leave only bad taste as your mark on society. The unfortunate side bar to all this is that Pants, like most other men, would love to meet 32 year olds with hot bodies. Tune in next time to see where it all goes...
April 24, 2007
Pants's World pt. 3: Pants goes to Little Rock
This past weekend Arnold T. Pants, along with friend A. Skills, answered one of the toughest questions around: Who has the best boobs in the world? Little Rock, Arkansas, that's who! In the club. In the Chevy. Everywhere, basically, in Little Rock was crawling with top flight broads. The lone exception was the Ozark Mountain Smoke shop, where Pants and Skills met a lady with a single tooth (side question: when do you just call it a day and go toothless?). The roof top party at the Peabody and Willie D's dueling piano bar both proved excellent spots for the boys to leer at women way hotter than those that infest Hartford, CT.
When not checking broads, the two travelers hit the streets in a 2007 Ford Mustang. Spurred by the sounds of Take Charge Records, they learned that being "OFF THEM DRUGS" mysteriously meant that you were very much on them. They also walked on a fucking huge bridge and visited a man named Messy Mike, who, no surprise, had a really messy desk!
Among the many weekend highlights, one event will remain etched in Pants's mind. Stepping out of the Clinton Presidential Library, Pants and Skills were greeted by an unusual sight. A group of clean cut fraternity brothers had formed a large semi-circle, and on the other side, a group of street hardened toughs taunted and mocked them. Did they have guns? knives? raised fists? NO, they had moves. Dance moves. Previously, challenges like this had only been seen by white people in movies like Stomp the Yard and You Got Served. But, there in the streets of President Clinton Park an organic dance battle was sparked. One of the street hardened toughs took charge. Dressed in camo and wearing fake jordans, this man burst into action. A series of epileptic shakes coupled with deft footwork brought him body to body with one of the frat brothers. The assembled crowd watched with hushed breath, the boy, recognizing the power of his ability, began to slowly lean back. Further, and further and further. Suddenly, his back was parallel to the ground, and from this compromised position he further taunted his opponent. Then, with a burst of energy, the young man rose and before the crowd fully understood the brilliance of his actions, he delivered a magnificent jump kick to the frat brothers raised hand. Surrounding onlookers went wild... the frat brothers walked away, disgraced and embarrassed. Pants and Skills did the only thing they could after witnessing a street dance battle... delivered an awkward high five.
The rest of the weekend was spent discussing how awesome the dance battle was and the incredible natural breasts in Arkansas.
April 16, 2007
Pants's World pt. 2
Tonight Pants (allegedly) broke the fire alarm in the apartment. This might be because he used more brut force than required to replace the battery. This might have been because he didn't realize that it was possible to turn the mechanism around, making it easy to see what one is doing. Now the alarm beeps every few minutes, taunting Pants. It is as if the alarm is saying "Pants, you are an asshole and an idiot." Bad news.
Even worse, Pants's behavior has (allegedly) given his mum a "splitting headache." Not good. Relations in the household were already poor as Pants declared that mum was not knowledgeable about cast iron pans and was fucking shit up with her style of cleaning. Yes, Pants realizes that he is a looser for living at home, and this fact contributes to his feeling "low." Learning that his brother, Gritz, is America's favorite intern has not helped matters. He now fears the alarm situation will force him to miss a first run episode of the Sopranos.
This was all Pant's really had to look forward to today. Sure, a stellar bacon buttie and a spot of footy on telly was great, but the rain soured the mood. Could it be anymore like England, Pants thought. No. It was cold, dark and depressing. After the football, Pants went to a party and saw his preschool teacher. An odd mixture of happiness and sadness came to the surface. She smelled a bit like the past.
And now, Pants prepares for the inevitability of another week doing very little and interacting with people based only on the premise that www.nakashon.com is a major player in the game.
April 9, 2007
The World of Arnold T. Pants pt. 1.
Recently, Arnold T. Pants has been feeling a little low. First, some kids called him a f@# on the internet. Second, he spent the weekend watching movies that involved old german dudes having sweating sex with hookers, in close proximity to his mom. This has led him down a long and scary path of loneliness and isolation. Echoing Rik Mayall's character, Rik, from Young Ones, Pants thought, "Only pop music can save me now!" An Elliot Smith (ironic apropos the early accusations) record later , Pants felt no better. He should have listened to Ghetto. "I'm at that stage in my life/where there ain't nothing but pure rage in my life." Hmmmm... not quite on the mark either. 26 is a little old to be filled with rage. Remorse more likely. Perhaps dread. "What can you do when pop music doesn't help," thought Pants. Well, one good thing was a recent article in the Believer that reaffirmed Pants's belief that most people who bang on about Wine, exhibitions, indy films and listen to "All Things Considered" are twats.
Author Carlo Rotella called them the irrelevant class. So up on things, they believe. Yet, do they not realize everything they do and like is so prepackaged? That there ideas have little or no consequence? That listening to bluegrass and wearing crocs in the urban environment does not make them cool? (Crocs are perfectly acceptable when a) boating and b) cruising around islands). Rotella mentioned how excited this class of folk were to discover the Buena Vista Social Club on NPR. Fucking hell, NPR is great and all, but if that is where the great and the good get their music cues, Arnold T. Pants is afraid of the future. Are most people cunts? Probably not, but many are just not that good.
And so, Arnold T. Pants remains isolated and alone despite his best efforts. Avirex girl (see pic on the front page) never got back to him, and now he questions if he is really actually handsome. How could she have not seen www.nakashon.com? After all it has, by generous count, six daily readers. Could it be that she is nervous of Mr. Pants status as an online celebrity? Probably not. She likely knows real celebrities.
Speaking of celebrities, Arnold T. Pants has done things that you, the normal reader, have not done in recent times. For one, he has discussed grime music with the (white) rapper show runner-up, John Brown. This was a fruitful conversation, during which Pants expressed the merits of the aforementioned Ghetto, explained the early career of the Genius Crew and suggested that Mr. Brown be aware of the rise of a young lad named Scorcher. For this, Brown was grateful. Pants also exchanged text messages with rap legend Bun B, only to discover that they would not meet up. He has been promised a future meeting though, and is hopeful that he will learn much from this.