B' Wonka Interview
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| B' Wonka is the best rapper in the world. "Why don't I know him then?" you might ask. Well, thats because he bides his time and plays his position, ready to pounce on the universe at precisely the right time. He is known for inventing defrabulation, denouncing the driving skills of Asian women, being friends with gritz and murking lesser rappers over cash money's platinum breaks. His debut album drops soon, and to wet your palate he has blessed the internet with some amazing straight to Youtube videos, like the batman and robin joint you may have caught on the pages of nakashon. 1 . How does it feel to be B'Wonka It feels incredible, much as you would expect. Even when dabbling in the menial, everyday tasks that often seem tedious and depressing, I try to remember that I far surpass normal living constraints. In fact, the daily grind wasn't built to contain my prowess. I destroy office cubicles and filing systems for fun much like Tony Montana kills Communists.
2. Can you live off one steller song about asian women forever? The truth is you can't, because no matter how good the song may be, they remain a vehicular menace. Killer Camry's and Hunting Hondas. I see one sittin real low in the drivers seat, looking throwed and in some sort of MSG coma, and I bump the song extra loud. That doesn't deter them. Nor does screaming at them out of the window or flicking pennies at the winshield. This ain't no women in the kitchen, it's genetic predisposition. 3. Why does Guru hate you? Because he hates himself. When you meet your legends, you expect them to match the grand stature that you imagine them to have when you listen to their music. Guru did the opposite-he slurred, slobbered, and syndromed his way through some half-assed freestyle then he clowned me for no reason. I told him the towel he was wearing as a hat made him look like the rapping Iraqi. He took it none too well. 4. Who is the best rapper to ever come outta the Ivy league? Probably FDR. That dude was rocking the mic on fireside chats and keeping the bitches tuned in way before that tramp Miss Jones or those clowns Stretch and Bobbito. And he did it in a wheelchair. Steez for days!
5. Have you ever boned a girl named ivy? No, but at my last job there was a kinda hot Asian chick named Ivy Lamb. One time I tried to tell her that she had the best name I'd ever heard, but she looked me sideways and thought I was weird. 6. We hear you are ghostwriting for some reality show dudes, how did that happen? Chopping it up with cats around LA, everyone wants to rap that crack that you see on The Wire. You know, that Pandemic, Plymouth Rock, WMD, Yellow Top, etc. Of course, I'm probably one of the worst options to provide it, but it's my job to convince them otherwise. They see my flow game is uncut Bolivian raw, they pony up the soda, and we got em linin down the block just to cop some of that rock. 7. Who is the most famous person you have met? Last week I asked Lohan to buy me a birthday drink and she told me to fuck off. That bitch needs to scrape the cobwebs out of her vagina and lighten the fuck up. 8. Do you have groupies? Are the olympics good? 9. If so, are they hotter than necro's groupies? Necro's groupies are all corpses and in advanced stages of rigamortis. So I would have to say no. 10. Are you more or less famous than Gritz? Less. That new blog is blowing up everywhere from mid-atlantic college message boards to state penetentiaries. He gets more hate comments than I do, although I'm catching up--last week some drome called me and Nate a "stewpid pair of cunts" on the Batman & Robin Youtube comment space. Little did he know that he spelled stupid wrong! Now who's the cunt, fanboy!??! 11. Who has the best boobs in the world? Lou Ferrigno in Pumping Iron 12. What are some of the exciting projects you are working on? You know, writing and recording that hot tard fire, merking crackheads and filming it, shooting amateur porn, hobnobbing with D-listers and firing off streams of derision at homos like Mr. Boston from I Love New York. plus that new rap dialectic coming soon.
13. Will you ever release the legendary cash money freestyle tapes? If by legendary cash money freestyle tapes you mean homemade porn, then the answer is maybe. 14. Can you beat up Gritz? The question isn't "can," but "how". It's less of a challenge and more of a perfected artform at this point. 15. What's next for you? Probably getting throwed off some Robitussin and Grape Crush |
